Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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