Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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