well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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