New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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