just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just cut my nipple shaving
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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