When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
