Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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