Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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