So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
