Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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