I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
