I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
