the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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