Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
