Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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