Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
