Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
