I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
