I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
