So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
