I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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