Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
