we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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