Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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