i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
