So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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