You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
