i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
