Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
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