thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
