i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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