The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We had sex on a dog bed..
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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