I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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