Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
