did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
