Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
