He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
