i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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