I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
