mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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