So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
