He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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