Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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