She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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