That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
