i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
