I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
