i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
