So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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