Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i came on her dog
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
