Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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